One of my three princesses, the one that was privileged to come into the world ahead of her two sisters, the one I love more than the other two but don’t tell them—yep, that one—sent me an e-mail with the following series of questions and answers concerning the importance of diet and exercise on health.
I felt obligated to spread this doctor’s take on diet and exercise as far and wide as possible. It’s an anonymous piece of writing, so I’m not too worried by the fact that I took the liberty of making numerous changes to the original. And I must say, with the usual humility that my viewers normally expect from me, that those changes improved the document significantly—nay, they improved it immeasurably!
What follows is a series of questions, asked by a patient and answered by Doctor Sum Ting Wong, the patient’s doctor during the two years the patient spent in China:
Q: Doctor, is it true that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life?
A: You heart only good for so many beats and that it. No waste beats on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer. It like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp theory of logistical efficiency. What do cow eat? Hay and corn. And what that? Vegetables. Steak nothing more than efficient mechanism to deliver vegetable to system. Need grain? Eat 
chicken. Beef good source of field grass, and field grass green leafy vegetable. And pork chop give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of protein.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine.That mean they take water out of fruit so you get more. Beer and whiskey also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, you ratio one to one. If you have two body, you ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry, can’t think of single one. Philosophy is, no pain—good!
Q: Are fried foods bad for us?
A: You not listening! Food fried these day in vegetable oil. It permeated by vegetable oil. How much more vegetable bad for you?
Q: Will sit—ups prevent me from getting soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle it get bigger. Only do sit—up if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Helloooo! Bean of cocoa plant is vegetable! Chocolate best feel-good food can find!
Q: Is swimming good for my figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey—round is shape!
This should help clear up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets, and remember this:
Life should not be a journey from the cradle to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, a tall glass of Chardonnay in one hand and dark chocolate in the other, with body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “Woo-hoo, what a ride that was!”
And for those that watch what they eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health—it’s a great relief to know the truth after all these conflicting nutritional studies:
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
Mexicans eat lots of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
Chinese drink little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
Italians drink lots of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
Germans drink lots of beer and eat lots of sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than we do.
Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you like. It’s obvious that speaking English is what kills you.
The King of Texas 