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Has anyone read Cosmo lately? . . .

15 Mar

Has anyone read Cosmo lately?

I stumbled and mumbled my way through the March 2010 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, a copy donated to the Nephrology Clinic at San Antonio’s Brooke Army Medical Center (BAMC) by a generous (or perhaps disgusted) patient, one that is probably not among the clinic’s geriatric population—that’s not a given, of course—there are always exceptions to rules.

Listen up, everybody—Cosmo as literature is soft porn, and it may as well be called a ragazine. This issue borders on hardcore, and it is my learned opinion that hardcore looms in its future issues—the publication will, so to speak, go all the way. It already rivals Playboy and is apparently seeking equality with Hustler.

Run, do not walk, to the nearest newsstand—you may be unfortunate enough to find a copy. If you do, treasure it—it will some day be considered a classic, an apt item for hungry sellers on eBay—Half-price Books will probably display it in locked glass-front cases and purvey it at inflated prices.

Here are some peeks into the March issue (don’t let the kids read this):

Under the title of “How to touch a naked man):

Five sexiest spots to touch a man

T spot (for tip)—one hand on bottom half, other hand on top half leaving tip uncovered (yeah, right—good luck with that one!).

B spot (for base—self-explanatory)

F spot (for frenulum—Google it!)

S (for scrotum—self-explanatory, at least for me)

P (for perineum—Google it!)

Six household items to use below the belt (a must-read!):

Warm wash cloth, shoelace, mango, lace cami or bra, fine-tooth comb, cotton ball

I believe one should assume that those items are meant to be used one at a time rather than all at once, and that some, perhaps not all but some, could be used multiple times and also for their original intended uses. Perhaps, but probably not—although, on second thought . . .

Speaking strictly for myself, the above items are far outside the pale of my imaginative powers. In the absence of illustrated instructions picturing live models—a DVD would definitely help one to master, or at least to attempt to master, the techniques discussed in the article. Without such assistance, I would never attempt to use the recommended items. Well, for their original use, sure—but not for the uses suggested. I should think that irreparable harm could result, either to the one wielding the objects or to the target, or targets, of the objects wielded.

The article recommended some other things that will require the combined efforts of one or more contortionists.

Warning: This posting to the Internet may spark a rush that will equal the discovery of gold at Sutter’s Mill in California, or equal even to a Walmart half-price sale. If you act quickly you may be able to find the March issue, and if not you can perhaps contact the publisher in search of unsold copies.

Quickly, I say—time is of the essence!

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4 Comments

Posted by on March 15, 2010 in Books, Humor, news sources, Uncategorized

 

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4 responses to “Has anyone read Cosmo lately? . . .

  1. davisw

    March 15, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    What’s great is when you see these covers staring back at you as you check out from the family grocery store with your eggs and bathroom tissue.

     
  2. thekingoftexas

    March 16, 2010 at 2:23 am

    Good point—of course the National Inquirer, Globe, Cosmopolitan and similar publications do serve a useful purpose—a community service, so to speak. They divert the youngsters’ attention away from the candy displays. Without the diversion of the magazine covers, America’s overweight children might be even heavier—adults also, now that I think about it.

     
  3. cindydyer

    March 18, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    We shouldn’t be surprised…look at tv shows. Have you ever seen Nip Tuck? (series ended recently, but oh, my…that’s definitely soft core!)

     
    • thekingoftexas

      March 19, 2010 at 6:53 am

      You’ll be pleased to know that we never watched the series. Whilst (don’t you just love how the Brits talk?) channel surfing one evening I saw a brief segment of one show, then blocked it so your mother would not be exposed to such shenanigans—I really couldn’t permit that, could I?

       

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