The purpose of this posting is to give my viewers a look at some spam that should be recognized with an Oscar for the best poorly written commercial essay. It is the purest gobbledygook that I have ever been privileged to read and the most convoluted English I have ever seen. It is at times almost incomprehensible—this one is a winner and will never be relegated to second place in those categories.
I apologize to any viewer that may be dismayed by my putting a spam item, one that sells women’s shoes, on my blog. I almost trashed it, but then I started reading it and I was mesmerized! I’m not kidding—it’s commercial spam but it’s expressed in a way that electrifies—in fine, it is a commercial essay that would win, hands down, any contest whether local, national or world-wide, on how to most effectively mangle the English language. This essay is amazing, astounding, electrifying and mystifying—I challenge anyone to find its equal or to write anything close to its equal.
One can only begin to imagine the author of this commercial agonizing over the zillion ways for one to express oneself in English, poring over a dictionary, thesaurus and a book of grammar, striving mightily to describe shoes in such a manner that women readers will be incited to drop everything—laundry, dinner, doctor and dentist appointments and the baby, and rush out to buy several pairs of each model.
And now I will do a bit of racial profiling, a technique in which I excel—after all, I was a federal law enforcement officer for 26 years, and I always used racial profiling in my duties—nothing else could explain the high number of arrests and seizures I made while pulling duty on our border with Mexico. Take that, Obama! Take that, Homeland Security!
I will say with a high degree of certainty that the author is of Chinese extraction with ties going back to whatever dynasty was first in China—I suppose that would be the First Dynasty. I will further speculate that the shoes are manufactured in China. I welcome any challenge to the accuracy of my profiling.
This is the posting, exactly as I received it:
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Once you show off heels to start, you’ll ponderous toughened to and after walking propitious them. Also the feat stilettos are lenient to arrive at a grip on if you be suffering with consummate how to walk in this genial of shoes. Own or two evenings in these nasty shoes is need to get down walking in heels. As in two shakes of a lamb’s uropygium of a bird as you start the shoes as pornographic Christian Louboutin Pump, you can pressure of your ageing flip-flops. The amount of mores, protection large the shoes that you impair with regards to choosing your clothing fitted the time or evening, as the shoes thinks accessories become more valuable, the redoubtable air of clothes that you defeat influence. When you store fitting for shoes online licentious as risqu?sandals, you’ll not indigence deficient keep. It is a around, penny-pinching and straightforward accede to the shoes that you sign on at an affordable expenditure.
Christian Louboutin Shoes is clique’s most important titanic rake shoe initialism. It brings you the most gripping and alluring admired conduct shoe. This code is selected sooner than multifarious heterogeneous women of all ages. why not be paid a dyad of Christian Louboutin Sale at the trice?
Oh, come on, admit it—you’ve never seen anything to equal it, right?
And in my opinion had the sale not been made before, it would be made with the claim that Christian Louboutin Shoes is clique’s most important titanic rake shoe initialism, a claim supported by the writer’s reference to multifarious heterogeneous women of all ages. That would guarantee the purchase—no woman could resist that!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!