My plan for panhandling . . .

03 Feb

I am sharing this video with my readers with the hope that they will understand why I am posting this plea for help. Many, perhaps most, panhandlers are out to make a buck without contributing anything in return. I intend to become a panhandler, but I will be a panhandler of a different kind. I won’t ask for money or food or sex or warm clothing regardless of the weather. My plea is for compassion and companionship, and I believe this video will help put potential contributors in a giving mood.

My soiled cardboard placard will announce my burning need for kindness and understanding, and will read as follows:

Please help me – I am desperate!

No matter how menial or laborious the task may be, I will work for conversation (on any subject), adulation (sincere or otherwise), hugs (sincere or otherwise, but please don’t squeeze my Charmin!) and cuddling (spooning is optional) at any location at any hour of the day or night whether undercover or in plain sight, whether in a furniture store on a recliner, sofa or a PosturePedic mattress, either undercover or atop the covers, whether at the Ritz-Carlton, any Red Top Inn, Motel 6 or at your house or mine.

As an aside, please remember that my offer to work for conversation, adulation, hugs and cuddling is offered to anyone who is willing to pay my price. There is only one exception. The offer applies to males, females and anyone in between, but cuddling applies only to the opposite sex and I am of the weaker sex, namely male.

If you have dawdled in traffic long enough to read this placard, traffic is probably backed up for miles and you should stop laughing and move on, and I’ll settle for a smile, a frown, a wave or a honk (from your horn, not your proboscis) and if you must frown then make your best frownie face and hope it doesn’t freeze that way, and may God speed you safely to your final destination following innumerable intermediate stops along the way.

Signed: Juan Hung Lo (a ruptured Hispanic/Oriental male)

Special note: The name and the ethnic terms above are fabricated for fun but the ruptured part is an unfunny fact, and I have the hospital discharge papers to prove it!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.


Posted by on February 3, 2012 in Uncategorized


6 responses to “My plan for panhandling . . .

  1. cindydyer

    February 3, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Dear King,

    I hope your panhandling works. I know we have the economy to blame for the fact that our own U.S. royalty (such as yourself) has to panhandle for anything. I think another reason is that the common folk are intimidated by the powers-that-be and may have heard “off with her/his head” too often to let down their guard. Perhaps you might find companionship if you would get out and kiss a few babies, shake a few peasant hands, serve soup to the homeless, pet a cat, teach English as a second language, dispense proper grammar to the unwashed, or teach a class to babes in the woods. It certainly couldn’t hurt and the common folk might see you for the gem that you are.

    • thekingoftexas

      February 3, 2012 at 9:40 am

      History tells us that King Arthur offered Sir Galahad half his kingdom for apparently being the only knight that, in the king’s prolonged absence, did not test Queen Genevieve’s new chastity belt constructed by Merlin, the royal magician and sorcerer. His invention was a miniscule implanted digital contraption, similar to a bear trap, that was programmed to instantly snap shut when anything passed between its jaws and then it would immediately reset itself.

      On King Arthur’s return from his journey, he commanded all the knights to expose themselves to him, and each showed damage to the exposed parts—that is, all except Sir Galahad, and because of the absence of damage he was offered half the kingdom for his fidelity to the king and his queen.

      However, that worthy could not respond to the king’s offer. He was speechless, as am I for your response to my panhandling posting.

      Trust me—We will consider your suggestions in Our usual royal manner and get back to you with more details. In the meantime We will press on with Our plan to panhandle.

  2. Larry

    February 3, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Obviously, you are, or should be, a fan of the old Gahan Wilson comic strip published in National Lampoon. “Nuts” was the name of the strip.

  3. thekingoftexas

    February 3, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Hi, Larry,

    Yes, I am a fan of Gahan Wilson’s work, but not a long-time fan. In fact, I just became a fan about an hour ago. Before that I had never heard of him. I was a bit hesitant to Google his name because I wasn’t sure whether your comment was complimentary or critical, mainly because of the name “Nuts,” but I abandoned all caution, tossed my suspicions and did the research, and I intend to spend more time in additional research.

    Thanks for visiting and thanks for the comment. You introduced me to a funny fellow and I am indebted to you for that. I trust that all is well with you and Pete and your respective families.

    Take care, and be well—Mike

    Note: I am well aware that I am your favorite uncle on your mother’s side of the family—in fact, I am your only remaining uncle on that side, at least the only one remaining in this realm, and you also are bereft of all your maternal aunts. Oh, well—as the French are known to say, telle est la vie!

  4. sue

    February 4, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    MIKE You are a mess! And leaving yourself wide open for big trouble. I could be trouble!!!!!!
    however even after we have emailed you have NOT hit on me so I think you are just playing around with time on your hands.
    I am having a dinner and bridge party tonight do you play bridge or just pontificate?
    blessings Sue G.

  5. Sue Cummings

    February 4, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    I love that video. It is hillarious and so life-like are the moves of that puppet. The guy is good, just plain good. OK as far as companionship goes, good for you for being honest of heart! I have learned in order to get compassion and companionship I’ve got to open my heart up to others, be real and be honest. I applaud you, Mike, in opening up to others. It is the first step in a journey of a thousand miles towards your healing and your freedom.


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