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Revisited: Australia—one of the worst movies ever made . . .

Revisited: Australia—one of the worst movies ever made . . .

I originally posted this movie review in April of 2009. I revived it this morning and found it so appropriate and so beautifully written that I decided to make it available for readers that may have missed the original post. This movie review is truly a delight to read, and I say that with all modesty aside. How can one be modest when one can claim authorship of such a glowering analysis of a movie that reportedly cost $130 million to bring to the screen?

Oops, I meant such a glowing analysis.

Glowering is an adjective, defined as the work of a saturnine, almost misanthropic young genius. Because I am neither saturnine, young nor misanthropic, I lay claim only to the genius part of that four-part definition, and I reject the other three parts. Click here to confirm the meanings of glowering, saturnine and misanthropic. You can also click here to read the original post if you like, but that should be unnecessary—it’s identical to this post and I haven’t changed my mind, not even one whit.

My original and current opinion of the movie Australia was, and is, as follows:

Having read the reviews of movies made by various reviewers over a period of many years, I have decided to try my hand at the process. This effort was prompted by my having ordered the movie Australia from Time-Warner’s  Movies on Demand.

I sincerely regret ordering the movie. More than just ordering it, I regret that I actually watched about half of it. I regret buying it ($5.99), and I regret watching it because of its poor sound track (fading in and out), its Beverly Hillbillies/Dukes of Hazard musical score, its childish dialogue, its never-ending depiction of (and its fawning over) the vaunted mysticism of the Australian aborigines, its amateur directing, its atrocious acting and its computer-generated images, ostensibly showing Australia’s magnificent scenery—some of the landscape scenes were genuine, but others would rival scenes from the Harry Potter movies. Seared into my brain is the segment showing the cattle drovers galloping their horses at full speed on the edge of a precipice and cattle falling into the abyss—that memory will stay with me forever.

I endured about half of the film before I gave up in disgust. I don’t know how it ended because I didn’t wait for the ending, and I don’t want to know how it ended because I really don’t care. The entire cast and crew and everyone else who was even remotely connected to the movie should be charged, tried, convicted and sentenced to watch the film in its entirety, credits included, for at least 500 of their waking hours (143 times) with their heads clamped in a stationary vise and their eyelids taped (or stapled) open.

Australia is one of the worst movies ever made—it easily qualifies for a spot near or at the top of any Worst Ten list. I have difficulty believing that Nicole Kidman actually earned her nomination for best actress in Moulin Rouge!, and it’s even more difficult to understand why she was awarded an Oscar in The Hours for the best performance of an actress in a leading role. I haven’t seen either of those movies, and because of her silly, superficial and inane performance in Australia I don’t plan on ever seeing them.

However, I must say that I enjoyed her performance in the movie Billy Bathgate, but only the part where she dived (yes, dived, not dove, is the correct past-tense of the verb to dive, regardless of what the dictionary shows) into a secluded waterfall pool after standing, well-illuminated in full-frontal view of the camera, for several heart-thumping seconds before diving—and that scene was enjoyable only because she was sans swimsuit. Actually, she was sans everything—she wore only a smile, and showed considerable evidence of not having used any sort of depilatory preparation. Since the scene did not require the actress to emote in any fashion, she therefore rocked it (she did this scene with Dustin Hoffman watching, and I have envied him ever since).

My rating system for movies consists of ten stars, with films being rated from zero to ten—the more stars, the better the movie.

Australia earns a well-deserved zero.

That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it.

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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Just back from Spain—loved it—thanks . . .

This posting features the youngest of our three princesses, the one that lives and loves in a Dallas suburb where she effectively and efficiently maintains one husband, two children and an Australian Shepherd named Wrigley—that’s their dog, not a flock tender from Australia.

She started a blog on Word Press long ago and began it with a cute story about her daughter, but has steadfastly neglected to add to it—and that child is an outstanding and endless source of blogging material. Click here for the cute story. It’s worth the visit.

Her resistance to blogging is based on her belief that her writing lacks pizzazz—Click here for a definition of pizzaz, and just in case you’re short on time, here’s the definition:

Pizzazdazzling style, flamboyance, flair, vigorous spirit, energy, excitement.

This exchange of e-mails between her and one of her sisters is delightful—entertaining, educational and filled with promise. I find her writing dazzling, flamboyant, vigorous, energetic and exciting—it’s filled with pizzaz.

I had never been to Spain but her e-mail took me there, albeit only for a brief visit—I wanted to stay longer, and with her help I could have. I’m hoping this posting will convince her to take me back for a longer visit, just by using her writing talent and her blog to tell more about her trip.

This is the welcoming e-mail from her sister:

Welcome back from Spain!

Hope you got some great photos to share with us!

FYI: Mom is looking (and feeling) really good. She’s got some pep back in her and her appetite is definitely up. Dad was irritating her the other day (you know how he likes to repeat things over and over until you want to deck him?), and to answer some crazy question he asked her, she finally said, “Shit, no!” It was so funny to hear her say that. Cracked him up, too. I guess he had picked at her long enough (you know how she always says he likes to just talk to hear himself!).

We had a great visit and got the flower beds up front looking good again (filled in the areas where they had pulled out all the hedges/shrubs). I’ll send photos once I pull them off the card.

This is her response to the welcome home e-mail:


Subject: Re: Welcome back from Spain!

Hey, I figured that you could use the shawl for decorating or something. I really didn’t picture you wearing it all that much, but who knows?  I’m glad mom seems to be feeling better. Last time I was there which was the weekend before I went to Spain she just seemed so frail and tired and I knew she was. And that was before they put the device in her arm. So, I’m glad she seems to be better—she sounds better when I talk to her on the phone.

I’ll call you later to talk about Spain. We had a really nice trip and got to see a lot. Went to Barcelona and visited a winery about 2 hrs outside of the city so we got to see the countryside and its miles and miles of olive trees, Seville (loved that place), Madrid and Toledo where we saw a 600 year Catholic church that was incredible.

Loved the architecture in Barcelona (Gaudi’s cathedral—Sagrada Familia?). Visited the beach, saw topless from newborn to 90. Quite a different world out there. Definitely no body issues in that country. We could probably take a lesson on that. With top on, of course. Walked a lot, a whole lot. Barcelona is a busy place. About 5 million in the city and 2 million outside of the city. Not a small town by any means.

Seville (much quieter, felt really comfortable walking around the town by myself which I did). Could have stayed there the rest of the trip.  The area we were in was very clean, quaint with all those tiny cobblestone streets leading to little restaurants and shopping.

Madrid—another busy city. Very cosmopolitan in many areas, lots of graffiti everywhere which is common throughout Spain. I guess they think it is art—I don’t know. Went to the Prado and some other modern museum where we saw tons of Picassos and Dali (is he a strange one or what?). Went to an authentic Flamenco show which was pretty intense. Just 2 people (man and woman) with a few guys playing instruments and singing behind them. Whatever they were dancing to they really meant it. I really enjoyed that.

Mom said that you and Michael worked really hard on the front yard and that it looked beautiful. I’m sure she really appreciates that. Every time I went down there she would say that they needed to do something about it and now you have. So, that is a good thing.

Brennan is in baseball camp this week. He also had an all-stars game last night. He plays 1st base and did a terrific job all last year in that position (thus making All-Stars). However, for some reason, guess because he is tired, he could have been on the moon looking down at us because he truly was the only player out there that was paying no attention to the game.  You don’t want to come down too hard on him but the other kids are kind of depending on him to catch the ball. 1st base is a pretty critical position even in minor, minor, minor, minor league baseball. He would just watch it whiz by him and throw out his hand as an afterthought. As a parent you don’t want to be embarrassed but I actually started to feel that way. Probably the same as mom would feel when I would drop the baton a lot or get my batons tangled up with one another at a competition while doing a simple salute. Not a proud parent moment.

I’ll talk to you later. I was actually weeding the front yard this morning. The weeds are so huge they look like a free form garden at this point. Macie tried to help me pull them but didn’t have the strength. I try to like gardening and I can see how it is stress relieving but I just feel like there are lots of tiny eyes looking up at me as I disturb their carefully planned homes. Plus, I’m afraid a spider is going to bite me, or a snake. We do have those around here sometimes. Anyway, what I’m trying to tell you is that I haven’t developed a love of gardening at this point. I’m working on it though, but very slowly.

So there you have it, a story told by one that is filled with doubt about her writing ability. In my opinion, she has the makings of a first-rate writer—nay, a great storyteller and writer—she only needs to write. Perhaps some of the visitors to this posting will help bolster my opinion. Click on her blog here, and use the comment section to help provide some impetus to her posting more about herself and her life—she has some tall tales to tell and the talent to tell them—they’re tales totally worth sharing with others, especially with her family.

As an afterthought, check out the alliteration in the last sentence—tall tales to tell, etc. That’s twelve consecutive tees. I do love alliteration. Twelve—count ’em!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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Australia—one of the worst movies ever made . . .

Having read the reviews of movies made by various reviewers over a period of many years, I have decided to try my hand at the process. This effort was prompted by my having ordered the movie Australia from Time-Warners’  Movies on Demand.

My review of Australia is as follows:

I sincerely regret ordering the movie. More than just ordering it, I regret that I actually watched about half of it. I regret buying it ($5.99), and I regret watching it because of its poor sound track (fading in and out), its Beverly Hillbillies/Dukes of Hazard musical score, its childish dialogue, its never-ending depiction of (and its fawning over) the vaunted mysticism of the Australian aborigines, its amateur directing, its atrocious acting and its computer-generated images, ostensibly showing Australia’s magnificent scenery—some of the landscape scenes were genuine, but others would rival scenes from the Harry Potter movies. Seared into my brain is the segment showing the cattle drovers galloping their horses at full speed on the edge of a precipice and cattle falling into the abyss—that memory will stay with me forever.

I endured about half of the film before I gave up in disgust. I don’t know how it ended because I didn’t wait for the ending, and I don’t want to know how it ended because I really don’t care. The entire cast and crew and everyone else who was even remotely connected to the movie should be charged, tried, convicted and sentenced to watch the film in its entirety, credits included, for at least 500 of their waking hours (143 times) with their heads clamped in a stationary vise and their eyelids taped (or stapled) open.

Australia is one of the worst movies ever made—it easily qualifies for a spot near or at the top of any Worst Ten list. I have difficulty believing that Nicole Kidman actually earned her nomination for best actress in Moulin Rouge!, and it’s even more difficult to understand why she was awarded an Oscar in The Hours for the best performance of an actress in a leading role. I haven’t seen either of those movies, and because of her silly, superficial and inane performance in Australia I don’t plan on ever seeing them.

However, I must say that I enjoyed her performance in the movie Billy Bathgate, but only the part where she dived (yes, dived, not dove, is the correct past-tense of the verb to dive, regardless of what the dictionary shows) into a secluded waterfall pool after standing, well-illuminated in full-frontal view of the camera, for several heart-thumping seconds before diving—and that scene was enjoyable only because she was sans swimsuit. Actually, she was sans everything—she wore only a smile, and showed considerable evidence of not having used any sort of depilatory preparation. Since the scene did not require the actress to emote in any fashion, she therefore rocked it (she did this scene with Dustin Hoffman watching, and I have envied him ever since).

My rating system for movies consists of five stars, with films being rated from zero to five—the more stars, the better the movie.

Australia earns a well-deserved zero.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 19, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

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